THROUGH IT ALL ( PART ONE)

It’s my daughter’s wedding ceremony in a few days, and as we work round the clock trying to ensure its a success, and an even grander one than that of her brother (my first son), I can't but express how fulfilled and proud I am to be the mother of these children.

The last thirty years of my life that I've spent as a wife and mother have been filled with of a lot of ups and downs, especially the last ten; but when I look back at how things were back then and I look at how things are at the moment, all I can do is thank God for the journey so far.

Growing up in the 70's in the Ikeja metropolis was fun - for kids whose parents allowed them go out to play. My dad passed on when I was about fifteen, so my mother automatically assumed the responsibility of being both the father and mother to myself and my other five siblings. She used to shuffle three odd jobs everyday just to make sure we all went to school and came back to meet food on the table and the price we paid for it was chores, chores and more chores whenever we got back from school and on weekends. The only time we had to play or mingle with other kids was during the thirty minute break time we had in school. I wasn't very sound academically but I was able to force myself through secondary school and then to the prestigious University of Lagos, Akoka where I studied Business Administration.

There was a bit of freedom since I was in school on weekdays and went home only on weekends but financial constraints didn't let me socialize the way I would have loved to. I made a few friends on the road both male and female but I didn't get myself involved in any serious relationship with any guy because my mother advised against it as she would rather I get my degree first before committing to any relationship and I was able to uphold this moral until my final year in school when I met Akinlolu Thomas.

Akinlolu was an assistant lecturer in the Economics department who was also running his master’s program in the same course on the side. He didn't lecture me in any course but for some reason our paths always seemed to cross. It all started with exchanging pleasantries until we got to a stage where we couldn't go a day without checking on each other. I had fallen in love with Lolu and more because he wasn't particular about sex. There were times when we got into compromising situations with each other but after going back and forth on it we decided to leave our relationship on a platonic level.

After bagging my degree, I was posted to Yola for the compulsory National Youth Service Corps program. The distance posed a big issue for Lolu who didn't want me going away for that long so he pulled all the strings he could to try and get me re deployed to Lagos after the three week orientation camp but it was futile and since there were no phones back then we only used to communicate via letters, many of which I still have documented today.

I came back to Lagos soon after my service year and got a job with Sabena Airlines as a ticketing officer, while Lolu was promoted to a full time lecturer. I was earning way more than he was but it wasn't a deterrent factor because I saw a lot of prospect in him and was even happier about the fact that he didn't mind it. I became the favorite of my bosses and some of our clients including Ambassador Kolawole George, the then Ambassador of Nigeria to Mexico and so when Akinlolu started getting frustrated with his job, and all the applications he was putting through to other companies were not being acknowledged, I decided to speak to Ambassador Kola to see if he could use his influence help my husband. Right there, he put a call through to a friend of his in one of the old generation banks and afterwards referred my husband to him. Lolu got the job instantly but the take home pay was now an issue as it was slightly lesser than what he received as a lecturer. I encouraged him to go on with it because I know hard work always yields something no matter how little and in less than three years, he got multiple promotions.

We got married a few years later and in the preceding year welcomed out first child, a boy we named Olamipo. Months after I had the child, my mother called me over to her house to have a talk. It’s one conversation id never ever forget. She looked me in the eye and asked that I leave my husband and go somewhere else with the child to start afresh because she didn't see him as the right husband for me.

Where is all this coming from? Didn’t you meet him before I married him? I should leave the man I love to go and start afresh with a stranger because of what you think of him? Nonsense - I thought to myself.

I stayed away from her for weeks because I didn't want to have to listen to what I reasoned to be stupid and petty talk.

 Meanwhile my marriage to Lolu continued to wax strong and everybody was happy at least until I got pregnant with our second child (my daughter who is getting married soon). It so happened that it was around the same time the airline I worked with was leaving Nigeria back for Spain and so I had to make the choice of either moving to Spain with the pregnancy and leave my young family behind in Nigeria or forfeit the job for my family. I didn't need to think twice, family was all that mattered so I chose the latter.

It was a decision that almost proved costly.

All through the time I was working, I made sure I took care of all the domestic needs – food stuff, baby food, diapers and just every basic thing that a household would need, without asking for a dime from my husband. One year after becoming a full time house wife, I had exhausted all the money I had and for the first time since I married Lolu, I asked him for upkeep money.

What happened next wasn't something I never thought would happen. It changed everything.

He beat me that day, so much that I started considering everything my mother said to me. I mean what right thinking man would his wife just because she asked him for money? I was very broke, my husband had turned his back on me and the only person could go to was my mother. It was a tough one to do, and going by how our last meeting ended I wasn't expecting to have it easy with her but I had no choice. She wasn't angry, she didn't shove me off she only simply said a proverb to me........

"What an elder sees sitting, a child might likely not see even with the aid of a ladder".

And then it hit me, mother had been right all along but the circumstances were now different. I was jobless and had just had a second child for him. Walking out of the marriage at that stage wouldn't have still been a problem because my mother and siblings had assured me that they were ready to take care of whatever needs I might have should I decide to leave, but at the back of my mind I still wanted to stay with Lolu.

What do I do? I asked myself.