RAMBLINGS OF MONSIEUR PIERRE

`I wrote you something because every time I open my mouth, something stupid comes out and the words don't mean what I want them to mean, not even half of what I want them to mean`. He said standing in the walk way of the plane.

`So here, go ahead`. He hands her a piece of paper.

`Hank, I'm tired of reading you`. She said.

`Seriously? I thought I was your favorite author`. She picks up the book she was reading and then puts it to his face.

`That just means I'm going to have to read it to you…out loud`. He snatched the paper put of her hand.

`No….Hank stop it! Don't be stupid`.

He goes ahead with it irrespective.

Dear Karen - that's how it starts. I've been thinking about us…the story of us. How the fuck do I sum it all up. Has it been perfect? Hardly. Any story with me in the center of it would never be anything less than a big smiling mess.

But here's what I know. Our time in the sun has been a thing of absolute fucking beauty. The nightmares, the hangovers the fucking and the punching. The gorgeous shimmering insanity of this city of ours, for where for years, I woke up, fucked up said I was sorry. Passed out and did it all over again. As a writer, I'm a sucker for happy endings. The guy gets the girls, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realise there's no such thing. There's no sunset. There's just now and there's just the two of us which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes. But if you close your eyes and listen for the whisper of your heart. If you simply keep trying and never ever give up no matter how many times you get it wrong.

Until the beginning and end blur into something called – until we meet again…….

That's it, I didn't know how to finish it. Because it's not over. It would never be over. As long as there's you, there's me and there's hope and grace. Californication S7 finale.

Before now, I had never watched the show or seen an episode until two nights ago when my brother asked my drunk self to take out my ear plugs and listen to something. So I’m drowsy and tipsy and drunk but I manage to sit up in bed and listen. And even though at that time I was struggling very hard to connect my emotions to the content of that letter, what made me gush out smiling was listening to Elton John’s Rocket Man come on as the show was about to come to an end. I knew I had to go back when I was much sober to listen to what he said to her.

I did that last night and now I’ve probably listened to that song more than 500 times, no jokes. But more importantly, the last five minutes of the show is what has me believing that one day in the future I would be with someone who would make me feel that same powerful, undiluted raw emotion. Someone who would feel for me and love me and care for me on the same level as I do her. Someone who would want me and treat me like I’m everything even on the bad days, someone who would understand me and stay with me and fight with me to keep US, even when the odds are against us. Someone who would believe in me and be optimistic about a forever together.

It feels almost impossible to find someone like that in recent times. People hardly want to try these days. The fear of commitment and getting hurt in the end, past experiences with people, other people’s stories has relegated some people to believe that love doesn’t exist and together forever is a myth. It’s okay to believe whatever you want and it is also very okay to hold yourself in whatever regards as to whatever would work for you and what not. But I think love and commitment as with every other real life scenario requires trial and error sometimes. Very tasking – if I do say so myself – putting yourself in the position to get hurt by somebody but I have never seen anything wrong in trying. In trying I mean two people who find each other attractive, wanting to make something out of nothing. Almost the most difficult thing to decipher. Does he like me as he says or its just sex? I don’t think she likes me, she probably has a vendetta…..the questions keep springing up until one day you wake up and shut out any possibility of anything at all happening. Because, fear.

I’m not going to talk about other people’s preferences and wants and ideals and how they choose to go about their daily lives dealing with love and its many ghosts. I’m just so in my feelings now – definitely not in love, yet – but just thinking about it is so soothing. I’m in a happy place right now. Every time I try to get with someone and I fail at it, I leave knowing I tried and even if it might not have been enough it’s a step closer to what I have always dreamed of.

Love is beautiful and amazing and it’s really the best feeling ever. You’re sitting in bed thoughtless and next thing you’re smiling and gushing. I used to think the talk about butterflies in your stomach is a myth till it happened to me and I never wanted it to go. It makes you do stupid things, like extremely stupid things. But for someone you love hayyyyyy, be stupid away. I have not entirely been a great guy. You must think that because I’m emotional I haven’t had phases where I was likened to the devil. And even though I don’t say it directly to the people I have hurt with my actions consciously or unconsciously, I’m forever sorry and apologetic for being the reason why someone is sad. For the sake of inner peace.

Down the line I have learnt to listen a lot. I have learnt to be more understanding and accommodating. I mean a relationship is basically to different people coming together trying to merge their ideals and beliefs. It requires a lot of understanding and patience and a lot of love. I have learnt to trust and allow whoever I’m dating or trying to get with the benefit of the doubt to always be able to do what’s right all the time. The power of forgiveness can never be under estimated. Sometimes all it takes is one mistake and your ability to forgive for everything to piece together. Only that a lot of the time people would try to take advantage of the fact that you’re very forgiving. They would do all these things and then come back to apologise because they know you’d always be there waiting to take them back with open arms. Sometimes that grace lapses and it really just signals the beginning of the end of something that’s supposed to be beautiful.

Patience and perseverance too. Different strokes for different strokes. Some people take to loving you like you want or expect or deserve without much stress, others might have to grow into it and learn to be just that.

Knowing when to say sorry when I’m wrong. And even when I’m the one who’s right I really can’t stand not talking to my woman so I’m just there saying sorry. Just because we could be making out now or doing something better with our time but one person feels the need to be stubborn over nothing and the other person is feigning ignorance. Not me.

I learnt to be happy all the time. I learnt to always look at every scenario from the most optimistic side. I learnt to accept the things I cannot change and live with them. I learnt to be happy in whatever situation and make the best out of it. I learnt to never give up. And even when it’s all shit and gone down the drain, it’s really not as bad as it might look.

I have had to accept that in the pursuit of love and happiness, I would doubt my sanity sometimes. It’s tasking and draining and on some days I have had to stop trying and ask myself `to what end is this? `. But then I look at other people who have it good and I look at what I have had in the past. The relationships I messed up and the ones that left me hurt and I’m happy because I have known what love feels like. I know that someday, maybe not today, or tomorrow or not even in a few years I would find someone who fifty years into always and forever, I would still gush about.