MY LIFE.........MY REGRET

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me..........i once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now i see....." was the song playing in my head as I sat on my prison bed thinking and waiting for my execution day, but at the same time hoping my lawyers would be able to reverse the death sentence verdict to a lesser charge of life imprisonment. I had been incarcerated for about four years and every morning I wake up crying with a heart full of regrets, anguish, pain and hate as I relieve every moment I spent with Chike.

My name is Chidera Adimora (nee Lawson), I was born on 30th, April 1974 which makes me 38 this year. Im the third child born into a family of six and growing up as the only girl around five boys was soooo much fun because no matter what i did they always had my back and it wasn't news when I soon turned out to be a tomboy. Our parents were very comfortable and strict at the same time thus making sure the good things of life didn't pass us by and at the same time ensuring we didn't get spoilt. After elementary school, I enrolled into the prestigious Queens College school, Yaba, finished top of my class and thereafter gained admission to study Economics at the University of Lagos. Tragedy then struck almost immediately, mum had fallen ill and was diagnosed with an advanced stage of breast cancer. She had to quit her job so as to get treated and start a chemotherapy session, my elder brothers were away at different universities and so I was forced to defer my admission for a year to stay home and take care of her. It wasn't easy at first as I was literally taking care of her like she was a baby but soon got used to it and I must say we bonded pretty good. Dad was actively involved in everything, he made sure she took her drugs and ate when she had to and whenever he wasn't working he would take the burden off my head and attend to her needs himself but one day, I was surprised when one day he went to work and never returned. He left my brothers and I to fend for each other at that young age and with mum confined to her bed, we got little or no assistance from relatives who believed she had a spiritual problem. She still had some savings and some stocks we eventually sold to stay afloat but after months of battling with the disease I’d never forget that cold Friday night in December, it was just days before Christmas my elder brothers were back home and after making dinner for the family, I took my mum’s food to her bedside to feed her and I noticed the ambiance around her was different, she was happy and excited about something that she herself couldn't explain. After getting her to eat and take her drugs, we got talking but everything she was saying didn't make sense to me, the only thing I was able to grab was "family is important, overlook what your father did and whatever you do, don't under estimate the value of family"...... when she started to choke on her words, I dashed out of the room to get her water but by the time I got back and tried to get her to drink it, she had become motionless, she had stopped breathing. After battling with the disease for 5months, mum passed away and with tears gushing down my face, I saw that beautiful smile she was wearing and as i shut her eyes, I promised her that i was going to make her proud no matter what it would take. I called my brothers in to let them know what had happened and family members were later informed and the funeral arrangements were made. It’s hard to still say or think it but my father didn't make an appearance all through that period. She was there with him when things were rough; she bore him beautiful children and made a good home for him and just when she needed him the most he bailed on her. Isn't marriage supposed to be for better or worse?? What happened to till death do us part?? It was too big to deal with and even though mum told me to overlook my father’s flaws and get married when I find a good man, I still wasn't convinced there were any good men out there. The burial was a success as everything went on without a hitch.From the proceeds, donations and contributions made during my mums funeral, I was able to return to school the following year. I also took up a part time job just so I could make some money for myself instead of putting the whole burden of paying fees and upkeep money on my brothers. I was never really attracted to any guy and it wasn't as if I didn't have boys toasting me or asking me out they just weren't a priority at that time as all i wanted was finish from school, get a good job and live a comfortable life. Four years came and went, it was rough but God saw me through as I finished with Honours. I was in Abuja for my service year and after the compulsory 3weeks orientation camp was posted to work at Central Bank. After my service year I wasn't retained so i moved back to Lagos to try and look for a job. After writing numerous aptitude tests and job interviews, I finally got a job in the stock broking department of one of these new generation banks and that was where I met Chike. He came in one day to see his stockbroker who happened to me my boss, they had a little disagreement over how his shares were managed and immediately asked him to handover the share certificates and everything relating to his finance to me. It came as a shock to me but I just felt God had a hand in it. A business relationship was now established and it wasn't long before we became friends and then he started asking for a relationship. I had never been in a relationship before so I didn't know how to deal with things but I was beginning to like him. Chike was rich, like very rich, I think he was a multi-millionaire, he ran a string of car dealerships in the East. He showered me with gifts, took me with him on some trips abroad and just made me feel like a queen I had fallen in love with him and soon after we started dating. After 6months I had taken in and was heavy with child, almost immediately we planned our marriage and fixed it for 2months later. It was a beautiful day, from my brother walking me down the aisle to the part where we said the *I Dos*, the throwing of the bouquet and yes the love making that night was next level. We spent our honeymoon on the Seychelles Island and I couldn't have asked for something better. We got back to Nigeria and soon after I put to bed with our first child, she was the most adorable thing ever and we named her Somtochukwu. I took a 3month leave from work to take care of the child while Chike was running his business and at the same time shuttling Lagos/East and Belgium. I soon returned to work and got a nanny for the child while Chike was still doing his normal round trips, everything seemed good until after a year when I started to notice a distance between Chike and I. Whenever he was home even though we would talk and laugh with each other it just wasn't like it used to be and then he was acting suspicious like he was hiding from someone. He would receive calls and just walk away from where I am to answer them and if he answers the phone beside me he more or less whispers to whoever is on the other line. Whenever I question his actions he would either tell me off or make up an excuse for it one time I took his phone to go through and see if I'd find something out of the ordinary but there was nothing. Then days before Christmas of that year a parcel came in for him with a card, I opened it to see what was inside the box and find out who it was from and as I opened the card my jaw dropped. It was addressed to Chike and some other woman including some other names I just didn't want to conclude were the children they had between them. I had to wait two weeks for him to get back from a trip to confront him and at first he vehemently denied it but with further persuasion he confessed the other woman was his estranged first wife and the children. I was gutted, I couldn't believe what I was hearing how did he have a wife and I didn't know about it?? I guess during some of his so called numerous trips he was visiting them and it's safe to say she's the one always on the phone with. He wasn't even done talking yet he said they were going to move in with him soon and I'd have to move out of the house because e doesn't want her to know about me that's where I went crazy. He begged me to marry him I mean I know how long it took me to finally let myself start liking him and then he's going to dump me just like that?? My mother’s experience with my dad just flashed through my head and I didn’t want myself going through that kind of emotional breakdown and in a rage of anger I ran into the kitchen, got a knife and stabbed him numerous times till I had exhausted every strength in me and by the time I was done he had stopped breathing......I had killed the love of my life....I had killed Chike. I couldn't deal with it so I called my best friend to confide in her and she immediately alerted the police. Chike knew what I went through growing up because I explained to him and yet he chose to use me as the rebound woman when his relationship with his first wife had crumbled. Did he deserve to die?? I can't answer that question but did I deserve to be treated that way after everything I went through growing up coupled with the fact that he knew about it? Well all that doesn't matter anymore, my fate is in the hands of God, my lawyers and the judge. I still love him, I still miss him, he was my first love, I acted out of anger, I didn't mean to hurt him but who is going to believe that?……he is dead and gone, now it’s time to face the harsh reality and I would never forgive myself for what happened.